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I'm a bit depressed - Disowned Heidi

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June 3rd, 2009


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05:14 am - I'm a bit depressed
I feel like a parasite. I contribute nothing of worth to society. I need to find a better job, but is it worth it since we're only gonna be in Philly another year? It might be better to stay at my current part-time job, so that it would be a 2-year job on my resume, rather than get a better job for 1 year, and have 1 year at my job and 1 year at this new job. I don't know. Thoughts?

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From:disownedheidi
Date:June 3rd, 2009 02:03 pm (UTC)
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We are almost certain that it will only be another year. There is a chance we will stay longer, but I'll deal with that then. It's about 90% sure we will leave. The chances of him getting the Lausanne job are very high (he's at a stage where there's a final bureaucratic step, but no-one has ever not gotten the offer at this point.) The chances of him taking the job are very high... we're getting very nervous about the situation in the US, where professors are getting effective pay cuts (salary does not rise with inflation), and retirement benefits are getting slashed. Lausanne would be more secure.

So I think you're right. I mean, yes, more money would be good, but we're doing ok. We'll be on a tight budget next year, but we will manage.

I just feel like such a leech right now. But maybe this job, if I can keep it through next school year (which is an if... they are already cutting everyone's hours, but on the bright side maybe someone who's not me will get fed up and quit, thus freeing up classes for the rest of us), will be a good resume builder and help me find something wherever we move to.

I'll have to make sure the house is PERFECT. Not "good enough", but perfect. I have to say my housekeeping skills have improved greatly. I'm not saying its always spic and span, but the worst it gets is about 2 or 3 hours worth of clutter-clearing and dusting from spic and span. Usually it's in between.

It doesn't help that I haven't really put down roots in Philly. The few acquaintances we made are moving this summer, which kinda sucks. So I'm not feeling like this brilliant, loving, friendly social success either.

I'm in, as you know, a topsy-turvy in-between place. I want to be settled. I will be soon, at least J's job-wise. It's hard because if I get too excited about any of the places we are looking at (and we can ski here! We can hike there! We can canoe there! We can shop there!) J gets worried that I'm painting a too-rosy picture, and if I'm not excited enough, he gets worried that I don't want to go to XYZ locale.

The probably options are staying in Philly, Lausanne, Basel, or Baltimore.

My top preference is Lausanne, then Philly or Baltimore, then Basel. For me its less which country do I want to live in, and more which city do I want to live in.

But I also don't want to put pressure on him, because I don't want to stress him out and pressure him into making the wrong move. Hopkins is a MUCH higher ranked University than EPFL. But quality of life might be better in Lausanne. Then again, maybe not, we can't afford a nice house near Lausanne, we'd have to commute, which is frowned upon in Switzerland. But I don't want a small apartment with no yard when we have kids.

My dream house, in any country:
* Four bedrooms.
* A seperate studio or in-law that we could rent, have guests in, or that one of our parents could eventually live in if needed, or room that could be converted. Seperate kitchen or kitchenette important, as my guests/relatives have different dietary needs than I do.
* Yard big enough to have a veggie plot, an herb plot, a few flower beds, and room to play lawn games. Something about half of my parents' yard would be fine.
* Walking distance to some sort of town with bakery, post office, coffee shop, a few restaurants that have vegetarian options, a couple stores, a grocery, a dairy (if in Switzerland), a cinema, and a community theatre of some sort, and the schools and a train station. I don't need a wild nightlife
* Walking distance to a nice nature walk... woods, lake, river, or mountains
* NOT white tile floors, anywhere. We have them in the bathroom and I fucking hate them... you mop, and they get dirty again right away.
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From:disownedheidi
Date:June 3rd, 2009 02:51 pm (UTC)
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Gotta have the dream first!

I figure we will have to compromise on one or more of those things.

I hope we get visitors if we move to Switzerland. That would be so much fun.
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From:ggirl
Date:June 3rd, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
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Hmm. My advice - if you're only going to be there another year, far better to stick it out with the current job so that you have the 2 years on your resume.

To counterbalance the feeling of worthlessness, why not volunteer somewhere in your free time? How about putting some time in at an animal shelter, women's shelter, mentor a kid, etc..limitless possibilities exist for volunteering. I used to volunteer at a no-kill cat shelter in Seattle when I was only working part time temp jobs because I had the same feelings you do right now. It helped me a lot - I love cats so that was a good fit for me. Be creative and do a little legwork. You may be surprised at what's out there.
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From:disownedheidi
Date:June 3rd, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC)
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I do tons of volunteering. I do ACLU and I was teaching theatre to homeless kids. I am now amazed at the futility of it all. It's actually one of the things that is depressing me. I'm not convinced this work makes a difference.
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From:paladyn
Date:June 5th, 2009 01:09 am (UTC)
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Stay at the current job. Resumes reflect how many years and months not the hours worked.


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